It seems like i am having the attacks again. Argh! Not sure what caused it, but i have been very well for the past 2 weeks, until last saturday. wondering could it be the drink that i had at halo bar on friday nite.. if it is so, then i definitely gonna get a scolding from dd, who tell me no no to alcohol, and only after a little persuation, he agreed to one. But i didnt finish the drink ma, not sure why. anyway the feeling suxs.

 

I am gg holiday-ing @ sunway next friday, woohoo, it will be a 3D2N trip, the longest getaway since the taiwan trip. hopefully this trip will be a "healing trip" for me, as i think i really need to heal, in order to be able to concentrate properly on my work and studies, and also v importantly, my current relationship. Just need to put in more effort lo.

 

I hope that through blogging again, i can release all my grunts and rants here, and be able to heal sooner and better. Dun want my love ones to constantly feel worried about me. Though they appear non-chalant bout me being depressed, but i am quite sure that they just do not quite know how to handle me with such a condition. Do not blame them, actually all i need is their companion.

Also, i feel that my condition will be better if i have dd beside me before i feel quirky. Coz if he is ard me, he will not let me slip into the dark pit. but when i am alone, i just free fall into it. useless bum me. 3 days ago i went to see DS, he looked at me with a kind of sympathise look, but i dun blame him, anyone would sympathise with one who just went through a divorce, and that was all i need to set my tears flowing. anyway, he gave me a very simple analogy of depression

 

He said that human body are made up of Happy and Sad Hormones. When i feel sad, the sad hormones will take over the body, and when i get sadder and do not snap out of it, the sad hormones will mutilply like nobody's business. After a prolonged period of this reaction in the human body, it will start to trigger panic and anxiety, and thats when the body starts sending wierd signals, causing all the unnecessary distress and eventually panic attacks and depression. hmmmm, sounds like its quite easy to find a cure, which is - happiness! But i feel happy now ma, with dd and many pple who love me. How come i still feel so shitty ? Maybe it a post-traumatic kind of depression, coz the earlier period, i was too traumatised  by all the events ? Now, its like after everything sink in, then i start to feel the aftermath? I certainly hope these "after-action symptons" will go away faster.