Friday, April 10, 2009 @1:00 AM
I was pacing up and down the house, holding on to a piece of "statement of particulars" which he recently declared. NOK details had another woman's name written in it. It happened to be someone I knew. She is a broker from my office, the sweet young thing, also the sarong party girl kinda girl. Fuming inside, I wondered, Why ? Why her ? Of all people, and how in the first place did he managed to know this girl ? His partying had gotten him so many new girls ? I read the piece of information i had in my hands. Cant take it anymore. I rushed to the door, in tears. I saw someone familiar standing at the door. Its dd's brother. Wait a minute. What is he doing here ? He doesnt know my house address. He doesnt, oh dear, this is getting confusing. The statement of particulars belonged to who ? Was it him or dd ? Why is dd's brother here consoling me ? Where is dd ? Where is everyone ?
I startled up in my bed. It was 5.40am. I sms-ed dd that I missed him very much. And it was not long after, I drifted back to sleep.
I saw him there, and somehow, I had sms-ed him to meet to talk things out. Hurtful words came out, I was crushed, once again. Tears just rolled.
I got woken up by elthea's cries. Oh, I was so relieved to get out of that nightmare. Back to the reality, I scolded myself for initiating to "meet" him and causing myself misery in my dreams. Where is dd, I wondered. On the way to work, I was thinking, what can I do to make myself stand up to him in my dreams just like that I can do in reality. I have decided that I need to FACE it. By not purposly avoiding / mentioning would make him just another person, and not someone whom I do not even want to mention. I tried, & I failed. Coz I made someone upset. Can someone teach me what to do ? I need to heal, I cant let these nightmares bring me down.
I am lost.
Feel very alone. Because no one agrees with me. Not even dd.
I am afraid.
Afraid to lose again.
*sad, helpless me*