Healing Myself

2010-04-29T09:35:00.001+08:00

Its Blogging time again!

Nothing much happened over the weekend, except that all the work I have done for AMP was "formatted" due to a faulty thumbdrive. Sigh. During that instance, I nearly pulled my hair out. And thanks but no thanks to the "helpful" friend of mine. Arghs, simply refused to elaborate on that!

The week was rather hectic, coupled with the fact that I was supposed to finish AMP's Q1 and Q2 financial statements and that work at APM wasnt at all smooth as the GM started to "target" me, and give me more and more "shit" to clear, just because the lady who went on maternity leave refuse to do it when she was around. Sigh. Can I say No? Difficult lor. I just do what I can. Nonetheless, these stress gave me another bout of chest spasms, which was really bad on Tuesday night. Sob. But after a night of Salonpas-ing my shoulders, and a full dose of muscle relaxant, I was feeling much better on Wednesday. Yah lor, was alone to deal with all these shit because dd is busy with his Interviews, school work, exercising, etc. Sigh. Where do I stand? Somtimes I DO wonder. Was kinda disappointed when dd didnt offer to help when I have to re-do the accounts, but anyway, I guess he has more than what he can handle on his plate as well? (I choose to think that way to make myself feel better) Cause I know how it feels when you have not enough time. Lucky mummy has been helping me a great deal during this time.

Weekend coming in 2 days. Gotta go back to AMP tmr evening to "present" the F/S to the bosses. So that means I am left with tonight to tie up the ends and ensure that everything that is supposed to be posted are in. Do not dare say its 100% accurate, but is quite confident that it is at least 95% there. Am proud. :)

Meetings after meeting in APM is making me feel so sleepy and bored. My lunch partner is on exam and study leave, that leaves only my boss and I for lunch. Quite boring. Sigh. Anyway just did a countdown, 31 more days to end of misery. And what makes me super pissed off is that I do not get a replacement off for Labour Day! And there is nothing I can do about it. What HR says counts. Sigh. What to do. Sway lor. Lucky the Vesak Day is on a Friday. If not will get "eaten" again!

Listened to Jay's new Hit on youtube few days back. Kinda feel for him. Hmmm, I sometimes also wish I can just fly to some place, and take a rest. Though I know what in few days time, my mind will drift back to home again. Hee.

Wasnt able to close any deals this month. First time I hit the ZERO in AIA. sobz. Sam encouraged me to follow up and bring in more in May instead. Well, hope so too! Meeting a client next week. Hope that I can close at least a PA.

Thats about it. Will plan a wonderful weekend with dd. (Hopefully!) We had a good one last sunday, and is still waiting for him to blog about it!

Till then.

2010-04-21T09:14:00.001+08:00

Has been awhile since I last blogged, not because I am lazy, but I am simply damn busy like a BEEEEEEEEeeeeeee.

Have been rushing closing + ADM accounts, and at the same time, also need to start up on my "Revival" Plan soon! All these lining up of events are making me .... very .... STRESSED!!!

Anyway, attended AIA GALA dinner + awards night last friday. It was quite an eye-opener as we are able to match the names to faces on those TOP FSCs, TOP AMs, TOP DMs and of coz, we get a chance on the stage because we are the No.1 District in AIA! 3 Cheers for us!! The moment on Stage was a proud one (even though I admit I didnt contribute much to the results. Hahaha) Dinner was sucky coz the food was not tasty at all. Many were lukewarm or cold. And the serving of the drinks was like ??!!^&*. THough most of the time, we served each other with the bottles of red wine on the table. Haha. Managed to drink one red wine which is light and smooth, and yup, had a little drop too much coz the aftermath was sitting and stoning while the others take pictures! Kekeke. But was up and running in 20 mins and we were playing like crazy, taking photos like we will never have a chance anymore while the rest left after the event ended at around 11pm. Sam and the rest suggested St James to continue our "dancing frenzy" and off we went. It was only a 5 min ride to St James from RWS. BUT, St James dragonfly is damn packed lor. Sigh. Shouldnt have went because we hardly got any place to stand, not to say dance. Haha. And I was quite pissed off that one colleague was getting especially close (prob due to the alcohol) and I got Sam to get me out of the fix everytime that colleague make his "advances". haha.We went off at 2plus am, and reached home close to 3am. It was quite a fun and crazy night. Hah!

Saturday was spent rotting at home, and doing some work for ADM. Sent some files back and took some files back as well to complete some more work. Then sent boy boy to grooming, At night had a gathering with Bernice, Betsy and gang. And celebrated Bernice Bday before chionging to 10-dollar KTV again. Heheh. Ended another late night at 1plus am, and dd drove us home and we slept at 2am. What a hectic weekend!

Sunday went inspection, nothing much.

Monday went to sign the 2nd appt documents. The house is officially ours for now! But because we kind hearted let the ex-owners extend for 4 weeks. So we can only get our keys next month, Then we have to do the praying stuff already.

Tats about it for the past week.

Hope weekend comes sooner!

2010-04-16T13:25:00.001+08:00

Yesterday's counselling session was about analysing my Total Behaviour.

It actually consists of 4 parts

1. Feelings

2. Physiology

3. Thoughts

4. Actions

According to Andy, Feelings and Physiology are 2 aspects which are not within our control. It is a reaction which is already "built-in" from our character. Like I was quoting an example when he asked me about something which triggers anxiety, I told him it was when I did an MRI scan way back in 2007. I was anxious (and scared) [Feelings] which make me burst into tears [Physiology], and I constantly worry if this machine will "saboh" me and cause me any pain or not [Thoughts] and in the end, I told the nurse I was too traumatised to continue with the scan [Actions]. He gave me an assignment before I see him 5 weeks later - to document down the moments when anxiety strikes me. He would want to tie these feelings to the underlying reasons what triggers my anxiety. Sounds very interesting because at least, I know what are the triggers, and I can counter them. (and not avoid them)

Tonight is the AIA Awards Nite, I am dressed in Full Black (as it is a black tie event) with a tailored silver vest for each and everyone of us in the District, courtesy of our DM. But sadly, I will not be able to meet my dd because he is too tired to wait for me to finish at the dinner to meet me. Sigh. And tomorrow he has classes, so meaning, I can only meet him in the evening. No choice lor, what to do.

Got a dilemma now. Obtained the reno quotation from my uncle's friend already. The difference is $2888. But one is a well known ID company, and the other is just a normal ID company. Of coz design wise, the well known ID has so far given us quite good vibes about them, and using interactive software to show us what would our future home look like before he starts the renovation. Wheares I dun think we will get that kinda service from the normal ID. Arghh. $3k for drafts and designs? I am not sure which to go for!

Nothing much to update already because work suxs. ADM accounts are also very messy. Haiz. But by hook or by crook must complete the Oct 2009 ones by saturday. Haiz. We shall see.

till then.

--

2010-04-15T14:48:00.001+08:00

Finally tomorrow is Friday again! However, gotta attend this AIA awards night tomorrow, and it is at Resorts World Ballroom! Woohoo. We will be one of the first to have our event held there. Hee. And its a black tie event. Meaning later I still have to go and find a shirt to go with the silver vest which our very generous DM has made for everyone. It's not from any cheapo tailor ok! Its from Joe Tailor (the very expensive tailor at Raffles Place). This is really a good keepsake in future!

Yesterday night was rather upsetting because we went to this "Tiao Dang" place to ask about reno for our new house, in hope of avoiding some taboo stuff to have a safe home. However, god told us that our house isnt really good to begin with, so instead of us being able to have a better home, now we will have to work towards making the house more condusive for staying. At least peaceful and ok. Sigh. A bit sad because I had hoped to be able to stay in that house for long due to the rising cost of property. Now it seems like after 5 years is up, we can try looking for alternatives. I was actually thinking, if things really aint good, we could actually try renting it out, and stay at a rented condo instead. Doesnt sound too bad right? But really have to work out the cost of doing that.

Missing dd very much as these few days he is having training with a UK colleague so most of the time is inconvenient for him to talk to me. But he also very "guo fen" lor, never even gave me an sms during lunch time or what. Hmmphz! Angry him. Anyway looking forward to spend time with him over the wkend, but he has classes, so thats another half a day gone. Sigh.

Hope can breeze through this assignment at APM because its really damn tiring having to hold 3 jobs, but I am already starting to neglect my AIA job. Haiz. Have recently sent in my resume to do customer service at Citi, haha. If I get in, then I can continue holding my 3 jobs (+Citi - APM)

We shall see how.

Till then

2010-04-14T14:09:00.001+08:00

First Half of my Day was spent trying to beat the crowd and book Jay Jay's tickets for his World Tour 2010. Was successful of course, but couldnt went with my kakis cause the tickets left (by the time I can log in successfully) are only single seats. Nevertheless, better than nothing. (Later on, I also managed to get PS a single seat the next cluster to mine). Then after lunchtime, I went and log in again, but just like I expected, all seats were taken up. Left single seats for Cat 5. So knowing that some people will use this chance to earn monies instead, I logged in to ebay, and did a search. Saw this "bugger" practically selling the tickets like as though he has got a whole stack of it, of different categories, and the prices are ridiculous! At least twice the original price. (i.e. a pair of Cat 2 tickets selling for $1100) Crazy or what? Hate this people who tries to act smart and use Jay to make money. If you are not a fan, then F-off and stop hogging the sistic webby, making it difficult to genuine fans who want to get the tickets after waiting for so long. I hope no one buys the tickets from them, because it will only condone them to use this "black market" as a tool to make more monies. Morons!

2010-04-14T11:34:00.001+08:00

I GOT A SEAT I GOT A SEAT !!!

JAY CHOU WORLD TOUR 2010

Arena 37, Row 8, Seat 5

YAYS!

2010-04-07T15:50:00.001+08:00

Its an amazing and nice feeling to feel like you are falling in love all over again.

Being able to spend quality time with your SO on a very much anticipated holiday is an extremely happy event for me, as it is not like we can go on a holiday as and when we like, or several times a year. The last time we went on a holiday was March 09, and it was a short trip to Sunway Lagoon.

When things which you have wished upon the stars come true, like for me, to play in snow, it is even more meaningful when you are doing it with your SO.

While on holiday, you can slow down your pace, enjoy a cuppa drink in a cafe without having to worry about what chores you have not done. Even when there are no conversation going on, you will still feel a tinge of warmness in your heart, just by looking at each other having their drink, munching on that particular waffle with maple syrup. These are the things we miss in Singapore, didnt we?

Simple joy can include eating Kimchi Instant Ramen in the hotel with your SO, walking hand in hand enjoying the scenaries, and breathing in the fresh cold air in an Island full of Love, putting on gloves for each other at the hotel lobby, wrapping a shawl around the neck of your SO, sharing a tumbler of warm water in the cold weather and much much more .....

Missed the times.

Yearn for Simple Joy.

2010-04-07T11:15:00.001+08:00

Day Three:

Rise and Shine at 5.30am. Not supposed to shampoo our hair, so only washed face and brushed teeth. Was instructed to wash up the previous nite. Haha. Anyway early in the morning so cold, i rather not get myself freezed. Proceeded to the Makeup artist room, and makeup starts. As my skin is still not used to the cold weather, it started peeling. :( Even ampoule also cant do the magic this time. Therefore I ended up with a "not-so-smooth" nose coz got peeling lor. But luckily in the pictures cant really see. Had this retro+cute hairstyle by my MUA. Dd thinks it looks nice, but I thot i look farnie in it. Haha. But mum also say it looks very good, the best among all my hairstyles. Oh well, maybe I am jsut not used to it. :) Makeup finished at 7.45am, went down to lobby for breakfast, and it was freezing !!!! It was then I heard from the other couples that it was snowing last night! Booo! I missed the snowing :( sobz sobz. But then, what awaits me up in the mountain is even better! Hee. Grab a few bites of bread and ham and then off we went for the shoot. Needed to take a cable car up to the top of the mountain, and again, it was really cold !!! Heard that it was around 2 degrees celsius, and we had to walk up all the way to the tip and start photographing. Once started, still feel quite ok, as in, not that cold anymore. Lotsa tourists there. Finished at the mountain top, then we slowly made our way to the SNOW area. Some areas are not direct to the sunlight, so there are still at least a metre deep of snow which are not yet melted. There, dd and I took some shots which both of us like the most. We build snowman, played snowballs and lie on the snow. It was really blissful! And it is a scene I keep recalling in my mind. I just love snow so much!

It was slightly after noon that we decscended to the mountain foot and changed into the 2nd outfit. Had a quick lunch before I changed into my short designer black gown. The afternoon shoot was quite torturous, coz of the cold weather, and I have to bare my shoulders in the tube top gown. I wouldnt be surprised if the pictures turn out kinda "frozen-faced". Coz I was pratically shivering throughout the shoot. Dd was trying very hard to keep me warm by rubbing my shoulders constantly and hugging me from the wing direction. Hee. Feel so loved. There was this stream and some big rocks, we took the challenge of leaping on this rocks to get some really nice pictures taken. Hee. Afternoon shooting lasted another 2hrs+ and finally it was time for changing and dinner! Really hungry! Dinner was the same hot pot again! But this time, there is a fish which is supposed to be quite ex. After dinner, we proceeded to another hotel near Nami Island, coz thats where we will have our 2nd day shoot. Another 1 hr plus journey, and we are there! It was a lousy hotel. Enough said.

Day Four:

4.00am, Rise and Shine! Not exactly that the sun is shining, but no choice, today we are in Group A. So at around 6am, Makeup done, we went to have breakfast at the hotel cafe. This time, I ate more so that I will not feel so cold! Haha. I had close to 3 slices of bread, one hard boil egg, one bowl of mushroom soup! I didnt worry about not being able to fit into my gown later, coz I THOUGHT i would contract in the cooler weather. Haha. But I was so wrong!! Did have quite a hard time sitting in my wedding gown, coz it was really tight at the tummy.

Took a ferry over to Nami Island. ( PG was saying that we were so lucky to be in Group A this day, coz at Nami Island, pictures taken without tourist at the background is so diffcult! (If you have watch Winter Sonata, where Bae Yong Jun and Cui Zhi Yong posed at the row of trees, you would know what i mean) And we had lotsa pictures with "flawless" backgrounds. Scenary was once again, breathtaking! After the wedding gown shoot, we changed into the traditional Korean costume (the ones u see in Da Chang Jing), courtesy of Korean Toursim Board, and we took some shots with that. Lunch was not provided that day, and Dd went to get some noodles for me, while i transform into another outfit for the 2nd part of the shoot. By then, we were both happy that the tiring shoot is ending, but yet at the same time, starting to miss the fun part of the shoot. After i changed into my Evening gown, everyone was like "wow-ing" at my "overexposed" cleavage, and I was practically pushing my "meat" to the front so that there is a shape there! Hahaha. Everyone (the girls) who saw me do that was laughing and saying that its enough to make dd nose bleed. Kekekeke. Oh, btw, we did all our changing and makeup in the round Mongolian Huts (which you see in the dramas). Yet another new experience. Hee. Coz everything was overun, the 2nd shoot of the day was much shorter, around 1 hr, and then we rushed back to the hut to pack our stuff and rushed to take the Ferry back to Mainland, because we are going to Everland (one of the world's top 10 amusement park). Over there, it was a really rush thingy as well, coz we reached there very late, ard 7pm. And we have to leave by 8.30pm for our dinner. So no choice, coz everything was overun, we jsut had one rollercoaster ride, which i was coerced into taking it by dd, and e other couple. Then we went to the gift shops hoping to search for some fanciful stuff for elthea. But I wasnt really in the mood after the stupid ride. Arghhs. That ride made me skip my dinner, and feel so miserable until we reached the Hotel!

Gosh, this hotel is really posh, like Conrad! Hehe. But we didnt really have the mood to enjoy the room, coz i still have like close to S$300 worth of Korean Won sitting in my wristlet! I need to spend!! Haha. We happened to know from the frontdesk that DongDaeMung open 24 hrs, and without further ado, we cabbed down to the shopping heaven. Hee. More Faceshop, tights, and clothes for elthea. And reached hotel at 4am, did the remaining of packing, leaving only 2 hrs to nap b4 we need to check out the following day. The bed was really comfortable, and before we knew it, the alarm rang. Arghhs.

Day Five:

The day to go home! sobz. Have to go back to reality. and The feeling suxs. Morning had a very sucky breakfast, and e other couple was commenting that it seems like some breakfast held by the charitable organisations to provide food for those poor people! Wahhahaha. It really look like that. Then breeze through the Ginseng Speciality Shop where we were caged until someone from the group purchases something. We were even forbidden to use the toilet and the lift all because we didnt buy anything! Talk about being professional! Anyway then there was this costmetic shop where we successfully pissed off the demostrator by collectively refusing any testing done on us! Wahahhaa. So Shiok feeling! Then noon time it was free and easy at Myodung. Over there, we only have 1hr for lunch and last minute shopping. Dd and I popped into this restauarant that serves Ginseng Chicken, and it was really nice! Hee. After that, ate this tall sundae where we always see in the TVs. Haha. And did some shopping with the last few thousand of Won that I have. Then its to airport!

Needless to say, the flight home was really sad, but one consolation is that I would be able to see my Naldo. Hahah. But he wasnt really all that happy and excited when he saw me, so sad. Anyway seeing him well and ok is all I wished for. At least, Mum took really good care of him while I was away, and I was really relieved. Having to work the following day forbids me to unpack my luggage, so I hit the bed straight after bathing.

Thats the end of our honeymoon + Photoshoot.

And we are so going back to Korea in the future!!

2010-04-07T10:33:00.001+08:00

I am back from Korea!!

Hmmm, Guess this is gonna be a super long post, without pictures as usual. Hahahha.

Its great to remincise on the trip, esp when its a terrific one. Here I go....

Day One:

Boarded the plane late at night. Reached airport 2 hrs b4 take-off time. Wasnt feeling very well that evening cause has been to the doc earlier for some chest pain and irregular heartbeat. Doc run some tests on me and advises me to seek some opinion from a cardiologist as the results shows some abnormality. What a way to start a trip. Sigh. Anyway, mood was a little dampen, and was slightly grouchy while waiting for the flight. Earlier, mum and dad drove me to the airport, together with little elthea as it was a public holiday the following day, so they can stay out late as elthea has no school. Coz my in-laws were there, and it was really awkward sitting together for impromptu dinner, they left shortly after i checked in, to have their own dinner while i had a disgusting "rubber-band" alike wanton noodles at Killiney. Boarded plane at 10.30pm and it took off close to almost 11.30pm. and Off to Korea.... :)

Day Two:

Touched down on the following morning at around 6.30am. Flight was very good, no turbulence, had a 2 hrs plus nap and some fish with rice. Also came to chat with a couple on the same mission as us. Turn out that the girl is really very chatty, and we are of the same age too! Even our hubbies are the same age. What a coincidence. At Incheon airport, the tour guides and coordinator were discussing our itinerary for the upcoming days, and we were busy getting decently dressed cause we were told its gonna be COLD... it was only ard 5 degrees and it was really windy. Dd and I went out to get a feel of the "cool-ness" and it was really cold. It was the first time that i can see fog coming out from my mouth as I talk. Shiok, but also very cold! As usual, dd was just clad in T-shirt and Jeans, and gave me that "its quite cooling" look when I was already starting to freeze while putting on my down jacket.

We left the airport in a "not-very-posh" bus, but was decent enough to have some sleep in, cause despite the 2 hrs nap, I was still very sleepy, yet at the same time excited about whats upcoming. So once we settle down in the bus, we closed our eyes, but then was woken up for breakfast nearby. Breakfast was Udon, taste more Jap than Korean, but of cause, Kimchi was free flow. It was also where we had our first slice of kimchi - authentic? hmmm, it taste pretty same as the ones in Singapore. Haha. The not-so-friendly restaurant people actually shoo us away while we were chatting after finishing our noodles. Omg. Talk about customer service. Zzz. But it was fine anyway, we went back to the bus for our 2 hr sleep while the driver brought us to Seoul. And it was also the same time we notice the crazy driver's aspiration to be one of the F1 racers.

First stop was some Museum thingy, and we also went to view the Palace (which was like 80% reconstructed because it was destroyed by the Japanese during war time). So many of the features are reconstructed as close to the original state possible, but it somehow doesnt really give me the feeling of being very "authentic". Haha. Anyway it was rather boring cause I was nv a fan of sightseeing museums and places with historical values. I would prefer scenaries. Took some pictures here and there, and at the same time, start to really feel very cold. I was the only one who put on gloves! And dd was teasing that I am so lousy. :p

Next was lunch again, and this time, we were all very excited as after lunch, we can have 1hr+ of shopping at dongdaemung. So we finish our bibimbarp and steamboat and went off to shopping. First stop was Skin Food, but i realise that they up-ed their prices a little, and also because I still have some loot from dd's previous trip. So i proceeded to Face Shop, and got a little crazy over the masks there. Haha. Was really cheap, but would have been better if the exchange rate was slightly better. Haha. Then went to etude house, and got some more eyeshadows. Colours kinda limited, but the texture is very good and can stay on my lids for very long. Afterwhich we decided to take a break from shopping, and went to a nearby cafe for coffee, coz dd haven have his daily cuppa of caffeine. I ordered a Hot Chocolate Mint and it taste fabulous! Chatted with dd over Choc and Caff, hehe, so sweet and relaxed. Seeing that we have some time, and that I wasnt exactly very happy with the way Feli's jacket looked on me, we went to browse at some winter clothing, and I saw this Forever 21 jacket which looks similar to the one that keith lend dd! And dd just bought it for me, and says we shall use it for our photoshoot! Yays! Was so happy with the jacket.

After that, it was another 2hrs+ of bus journey to Mt Seorak. We will be staying there for the nite, at this Daeymung resort. By the time we reach the mountain (after a Chiu ming san ride), it was dark, and this time, we had Korean BBQ! Everyone was famished, and we had lotsa meat and rice and kimchi! Hehe. Everyone in the tour lighten up and we began joking and mingling around. Getting to know about each other's job, occupation and so on. One good thing is, everyone is around year 1978 to 1985. Haha. Meaning dd is the 2nd oldest in the whole group, coz got someone elder than him by 1 month! Hehehe. But everyone thot dd is like 1981 or 1982 one lor. Hmmphz. And that made him gloat bout it every now and then. :p

After dinner, we checked in to the resort, it was a 2 bedroom, one living room resort, and i saw on the board that the room tariff rate is 350,000 won per nite!! But i am pretty sure the tour guide got it at a much cheaper price than that ba! There is a 24 hrs supermart in the basement, so we all went down to get some water and snacks. PGs invited all of us to go to their room for a drinking session, but dd and I decided not to, since the following day gotta wake up at 6am and will be a whole day shoot. So we better get more sleep after getting deprived of it the night before. In the end, only 2 couples turned up. Kekekek.

Continue Day Three to Five in another post.....

2010-03-31T13:41:00.001+08:00

Arghhhss!

The suspense is killing me! Today, I will know if I will be few grands richer.

BUT ..... the answer is not out yet. Had been "tormenting" me for the past week.

Really Really hope we can secure the deal! And best of all, can skip door knock tonight. Wahahaha!

Korea-ing tomorrow nite. Yays!

Got my first salary in APM, not full, but ard two-third. Its a nice feeling having some money into the account. But I am still wishing for that few grand!!

Wish me best of luck!!!

--

2010-03-30T13:07:00.001+08:00

1.5 more days to Korea! Yays!

These few days, not feeling exactly very well, cause the sharp chest pain is here again. Is it my gastric going into spasms again? Sigh. When can I have good health? Sob.

Ok, No junk food and Ice cream for me anymore, until at least I am cleared from these spasms for 3 months!!

I do hope that I did not get GERD, cause it sounds so scary from the information I read from the internet. And worse still, most people need to go for the scope to ascertain the damange done to the esophagus and gastric. Sigh. I really do not wish to go through that. Just feel that it will be very uncomfortable and unbearable.

Work is not getting any better. Feel like throwing in the towel, but will feel that I let my manager down, and also, my own bank account down! Sigh. But I am really not enjoying and this job has put a further strain to my stress level. Is it wise to continue? I really wonder.

Not much stuff to update. I hope to enjoy myself in Korea. I want to!

Till then.

2010-03-30T11:01:00.001+08:00

1.5 more days to Korea! Yays!

These few days, not feeling exactly very well, cause the sharp chest pain is here again. Is it my gastric going into spasms again? Sigh. When can I have good health? Sob.

Ok, No junk food and Ice cream for me anymore, until at least I am cleared from these spasms for 3 months!!

Not much stuff to update. I hope to enjoy myself in Korea. I want to!

Till then.

2010-03-26T09:28:00.000+08:00

Its Friday Again! Yippies!

Actually the week really pass very fast if we dun keep lamenting on how tiring it is. Coz the more busy you are, the faster the time Zoooooommm pass. And there, its friday again. I will be lying if I say time flies, because it really didnt! I was busy for most of Mon to Wed, but by Thurs, time is crawling, coz things at work came to a standstill again, and here I have time blogging early in the morning. haha!

Weekend will be a busy one, going to PP to get some Lancome stuff for my "post-winter" trip, then sunday will be collecting my gowns from Whitelink. Hopefully dun need any altering as dd will need to rush for class. Talk bout this, I sitll need to give them a call later to push forward the appt. Tmr will also be meeting up sis and LL for lunchie @ taka. Indonesian food! yays!

Tnite will also be going supper with buddy, been a long time since we met up. Haha. Not sure where we heading to yet, depending on the mode of transport. If no car, most prob will end up at pioneer mall macdonalds. Quite sian of the food actually, but nvm la, its more for chatting up.

Excited bout the korea trip, hehe, first time travelling to a country of less than 15 degrees at any point in time, and might even have the possibility of dipping into the single digits. woohoo. excited and worried at the same time la. Dunno i can tahan the cold-ness a not. hahaha. Cant tahan also have to tahan lor! I am sure dd will help by distracting me from the cold. Hehehe. He say he will take good care of me de hor!

Also, hoping that Naldo will be good boy and eat his medicine properly when mum feeds him. Coz i will not be around for 4 mornings. He definitely need to have his dose promptly. Think he will be a good boy la. Will miss him also. But lately seeing him so happy that mum is ard at home msot of the time to "accompany" him, i feel very glad. And at least, mum is resting also. Thats v good. But also mean that I have to work harder to earn more money to contribute to the household, coz with mum not working, the household income is down by 3k. And not to mention there is the car instalment that needs to be taken care of. So i must endure here in APM. at least these 3 mths, contribute more :)

Really hoping to hear from BY to get the JMS deal. We have spend quite a bit of effort and time talking to the Chartis and AIA Group Solutions people, as well as filling up the tedious lengthy forms. Hopefully we can secure it and both of us (Sam & I) will be a few grand richer. Newcomer Jem scored a big deal on her first case. Kudos to her! But i feel it boils down to the circle of frens that one has to be able to secure big deals. I dun think anyone around me can and want to fork out 17k there and then for a year's insurance. If anyone of you can, pls tell me! Wahahhahaha. Strangely, knowing that Jem is performing well makes me feel better as i feel that we (the rest of the team) is not performing up to standard and the fixed overheads are taking a toll on Sam. Not that it is of any business of mine, but i still feel 'bad' for not contributing. Actually dunno how long i can survive in this trade. Will evaluate this coming October....

On a lighter note, both dd and I are so looking forward to our new home. Only 3 weeks away from the 2nd appt, and 7 weeks away from collection of keys! Woohoo. Need to get the reno settled soon though.

Till then!

2010-03-24T09:00:00.001+08:00

I welcome myself to married life again. :)

This post is close to 1 month late, haha, but thats because previously blogger screwed up my previous long long entry of updates and never went up on the page. Arghhs. So, I am not going back retrospective to type ALL that I had wanted to tell, again. Lets move forward instead. :)

Next thurs will be off to Korea for a pre-wedding shoot. Actually I am looking forward to it more as a trip for dd and I, coz it has been a long time since we went over the sea. kekeke. The last time was to Sunway in March last year. All along, I was under the impression that Korea's weather should be in mid 10s to early 20s during our trip, but I was so very wrong when one fine day, I was googling on Korea's weather and found out that its like only close to 10 degrees early April. Frantically, we went in search of winter clothes, managed to buy and borrow some. :) Thanks for feli, I got a decent black jacket which looks nice enough for my casual outfit for photoshoot.

Ever since I started this temp job at APM, it has been rather hectic coz I was juggling some personal favour from my ex-boss as well. And to top it off, I have promised Sam that I will join all team activities for prospecting. Though it hasnt really started (has been postponed for 2 weeks), I have been meeting one or two clients after work or overall the weekend to tie up some stuff and prospect them as well. Work at APM suxs ttm, but no choice, they offer the greatest "consideration" so I will have to "bit tight teeth nerve" to continue for as long as I can. Is this again, putting too much stress on myself? Sigh.

Haven gotten the green light yet, for my T4, TSH. sighz. But was given the green light to go preggie as the medication can be replaced by PTUs. Hee. Actually I really shouldnt worry too much if my T4 and TSH forever doesnt go back to the normal range because my main concern before was about conceiving. Now that doc says I can go ahead and conceive, my concern is really uncalled for anymore. Although deep within me, I do hope that my levels will return to normal, so that I can be worry-free.

Its 9am, auditors meeting today, and have to continue on my stats report. Sigh. Difficult to escape Stats once you start to know of its existence. But over here in APM, everything is so manual that I really missed Oracle GL Wand, Oracle Discoverer and Oracle Financials. Boohoohoo.

Hope Dd will get good luck on his "prowling".

Till then.

--

2009-07-01T12:26:00.001+08:00

I am blogging now hoping to release myself of some pressure. Naldo has went to the vet twice in 24hrs coz of severe vomitting. He also had jabs to stop the vomitting. The first jab was given last night, which stopped him from vomitting for the whole nite, only to resume this morning. In a short span of 5 mins I was talking to the vet on the phone, he vomitted 4 times lor. Sigh.

As I am typing, I am really praying that he will not vomit again. Because if he does, he will need to be hospitalised. He is also due for an ultrasound scan tomorrow as an xray of the abdomen shows that there are some white masses which is pushing up his intestines. I do hope those are only gas from bloatedness, because the vet fear that it may be a tumour.

I really do not know how to react, I just keep praying that he is alright, but how can he be alright if he doesnt stop vomitting. Now, I can only pray hard that he will not suffer pain. I really wish for that.

And I know, if its time, I will let him go.

Cant stay away from work too long as it is closing. What a time. I have to go thru all these. But is already starting to feel drained.

Pls, give me strength.

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-06-26T10:10:00.001+08:00

Its Friday today!

BUT, I do not have the friday mood. Sigh, Because tonight still got viewings, it is the 5th friday that I have not been gg out with dd. So Sad, pple friday always go out have fun, but I am always caught up with something. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Finally got back all the required documents for signatory. Hehehe. Hope that the auditor partner can quickly review and then I can case close for the Statutory Report.

Nothing much to blog. These few days a bit bothered, not feeling very well both physically and mentally, Hopefully its just a passing phase and not here to stay. Just want to be happy.

Till Then ....

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-06-23T13:53:00.001+08:00

Y is it that when you tell people something, (i.e. he reminds you of someone etc), he will jump straight to the conclusion that he is being compared with someone, when in actual fact, is not?

By initiating an sms to tell you how I felt, i expect you to at least apologise for neglecting for that brief moment when the newspapers are more interested than a sick girlfriend. But instead, the reply I got was "I was just flipping the papers and i do not like to be compared with some moron". So this sms shows that it is ALL about yourself. First, you tried to say that the newspaper is not interesting and you are merely flipping over to past time while your sick girlfriend should actually initiate if she wants attention and not sit there and sulk when she didnt get the expected attention from you. Secondly, you mentioned you do not like to be compared with some moron, so its about YOUR feelings again. You feel that when she said you reminds her of how she was being treated, you flare up saying you do not want to be compared. Did she ever said she COMPARES you with him? She just DO NOT want to be treated in such a way that will remind her of how she was being treated. Thats how simple her sms meant.

Sometimes, I really wonder, is it due to changes in expectations from me? Or is it that you have really changed, from how you cared and showered your attention on me a year ago. You promised you will not compromise on that, but why is it that I feel that the way you cared is no longer the same? Familarity issue?

I am really not sure.

Just kinda disappointed.

Enough Said.
--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-06-19T10:59:00.001+08:00

Round One passed!

Hee, had a short meeting with boss yesterday, he actually "passed" my work without even looking into it in details. Hmmm, am I supposed to feel happy that he trusted me ? Or does he feel that it is a waste of time to go through nitty gritty accounts ? Wahahahahha. Also couriered out the necessary documents to NYK. Round Two is to pray hard that the documents will come back ASAP!

Lots of viewing for house, for 2nd viewing too. BUT, valuation not out yet!! argh. So pple cant make an offer. Wish that valuation can be out today! haha, Fat Hope! But still hoping lo. Then pple over the weekend who come over can see and offer. Hehehez. Some buyers tell me that my house is very nice. Hmmm, really ? Maybe last time ba, but after all the unpleasant things that happened between me and R in the house, it no longer feels like a home. To me, it is just a financial tool for now, to get me the profits that I can make.

Weekend here soon. Tmr evening will b e ktv-ing with dd's ex colleagues. Actually feel a bit out of place, because I am not used to ktv-ing with such a big group. Why? Because cant get to sing a lot lor. And also, paisay, coz some of the pple I never really talk to before. Sigh. Anyway I will join them later la, coz might have some viewings at 8pm. Then shall go back dd place to marathon DVD lor. Kekekekeke

Yesterday made some cheesecake at Sis's place. Didnt turn out to be very successful coz I took out the sugar from the recipe as I thought it will be too sweet to put three-quarter cup sugar in such small portion of cheese. Texture ok for first batch, but 2nd batch went straight into the bin. Sob Sob. Better stick to non-bake cheesecake. Hahahaha

Yesterday lunch time, have this idea of setting up a cafe, coz both me and dd really have the passion of making drinks, him into coffee, me into chocolates. Maybe one day, we can really have our own cafe, and work together 12 hours a day, and go home together, go to work together, without having to worry about conflicts of interests issue blah blah blah.

Thats about all for now.

Till then.

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-06-15T09:48:00.001+08:00

It has been a busy weekend.

Ever since we signed an exclusive with DWG on wed/thurs (cant remember!), they have been getting buyers all over the place to view our flats. I must say, got pple view better than no pple view. Can see some interested faces, but because valuation not out yet, so, we cant quote a selling price to those who are interested in the flat.

There was this particular chinese couple (from China) who is really quite detailed, as in, they bring the compass all over the house, taking note of the direction of the sun, wind, blah blah blah. Coz I was not staying there for quite awhile, I actually forgot what time the kitchen sun comes in, and I just anyhow "bomb" that usually Morning lor, which in fact, according to his compassology, it should be late afternoon. Heck la! Haha, he is worried that his clothes will not dry! zzz. Anyway, it was after they left that the agent told us that they have been looking for quite awhile already, and hasnt found a place suited to their needs, haha. Well, maybe they are just trying to get the "perfect" place. Dd even joked that if they want a 2nd viewing, they might even whip out the geomancy "plate".

I was back early on Sunday to cope with the viewing, R was at home, playing games obviously. Anyway, has a little chat coz I was asking what furniture he wanna move out with him. Apparently, he wanted almost everything lo! Let him lor, but i did bargain for one or two items so that in future, can give to my sis la. He started boasting about the girlfren, though being 20 yrs old, but is a mature young lass. Good for him lor, although I can sense sarcasm in his words, probably like my mum said, he is just trying to convince himself he has got a good catch. Well, if it is really the case, then I can only wish him good luck, coz not sure how long the mature young lass would be able to put up with such a loser. *evil*

Went to Hotel Rendezous for High Tea with dd, mum and my godsis family. Was quite an enjoyable one, but I ate over my limit, and ended up having a really horrible trip back home, coz I was feeling nausea! Can you believe it ?! Haha, not that I ate a lot though, probably just ate a little too fast, (and too furious coz I wipe off one-third of the famous durian cake!) Haha, anyway went home for a game of mahjong, and end of the day with half an hour of hugs with dd. Hee.

This coming week will also be a busy one. Having a photoshoot on saturday, with mummy, naldo and elthea. Excited. Hee. Hope the pictures will turn out nice, I think I will wear some loose clothes to conceal my fats la. Haven been exercising a lot lately. Lazy Lazy Lazy! And school starts on mid july, haiz. Think I will continue to grow fatter and fatter. Help me!!!

Thats all for now la.

Gotta go back to work.

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-05-27T10:15:00.001+08:00

Some say that when one reaches 21, they enter adulthood. But why is that i have problems communicating to a 22 year old mother. (Well, or maybe part-time mother)

She have a very serious problem. She can go around checking her hubby's handphone for all I care, but now, she have upgraded to checking whosever handphone is within her reach, and I have fallen victim to her "checkhp-syndrome". And the best part is, she use my sms conversations with dd against me ! How cool is that huh ?

First, she invaded my privacy and said I said harsh words about her, which I admit, but was later explained to her, those are words said in fit of anger, and if that doesnt subside her uncalled for anger, she went on accusing dd of saying she is self-centred (in fact she really is) and blah blah blah.

Now, she says that she will pull out of the photoshoot (hurray!) and that if I dun feel that I have done something wrong, then there is nothing else she can say to me. And ask me not to sms her anymore. So now what ? It has become my fault is it ? Fine lor, I dun lose anything for not contacting her, might even be a little richer not having to fork out any money for her in the nitty gritty stuff or even sometimes the big ticket items. That should call for a celebration.

This is an example of an ungrateful person, who prides herself a little too high.

p/s: the bed you are sleeping at home is also paid by me! and the few bags you have at home, and no thanks for losing my pair of boots which i have not even wore before. Please also stop asking your daughter to boycott me as it will only do her more harm, to have a pathetic mom like you who do not buy her anything!

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-05-14T16:13:00.001+08:00

A True Story which brings tears to my eyes ......

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy.. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I woul d tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For exam ple: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that perio d of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have no appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if.....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared ha rd at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine..

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now.." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me..

I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infa nt products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else woul d love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his roo m and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that...the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now.... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to p rimary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everythingbig and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma... I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms......" He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........

This is a true story.> LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

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*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-05-12T15:39:00.001+08:00

For a brief moment yesterday, I actually felt that the panic in me is rising. Not sure why I felt that way, but it sure is not a nice feeling, cause I have been trying so hard to stop it coming back again.

Today, I know why I felt that way yesterday evening.

It is because of today. Today's date.

The wonders of a human brain - subconsciously, it is still there, Though it doesnt affect my thoughts, but I believe, somehow or rather, it is still there.

The day is going to be over soon. So far so good. No Panic, No Anxiety.

This day, is not my favourite, no more.

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-04-20T22:54:00.001+08:00

Dd ...

Thank you for promising to wait. Really felt very touched, loved and blissful.

I really love you to bits.
And I shall fulfil my promise to you, till the end of time.
--

It has been a long time .................

2009-04-10T01:00:00.002+08:00

I was pacing up and down the house, holding on to a piece of "statement of particulars" which he recently declared. NOK details had another woman's name written in it. It happened to be someone I knew. She is a broker from my office, the sweet young thing, also the sarong party girl kinda girl. Fuming inside, I wondered, Why ? Why her ? Of all people, and how in the first place did he managed to know this girl ? His partying had gotten him so many new girls ? I read the piece of information i had in my hands. Cant take it anymore. I rushed to the door, in tears. I saw someone familiar standing at the door. Its dd's brother. Wait a minute. What is he doing here ? He doesnt know my house address. He doesnt, oh dear, this is getting confusing. The statement of particulars belonged to who ? Was it him or dd ? Why is dd's brother here consoling me ? Where is dd ? Where is everyone ?

I startled up in my bed. It was 5.40am. I sms-ed dd that I missed him very much. And it was not long after, I drifted back to sleep.

I saw him there, and somehow, I had sms-ed him to meet to talk things out. Hurtful words came out, I was crushed, once again. Tears just rolled.

I got woken up by elthea's cries. Oh, I was so relieved to get out of that nightmare. Back to the reality, I scolded myself for initiating to "meet" him and causing myself misery in my dreams. Where is dd, I wondered. On the way to work, I was thinking, what can I do to make myself stand up to him in my dreams just like that I can do in reality. I have decided that I need to FACE it. By not purposly avoiding / mentioning would make him just another person, and not someone whom I do not even want to mention. I tried, & I failed. Coz I made someone upset. Can someone teach me what to do ? I need to heal, I cant let these nightmares bring me down.

I am lost.
Feel very alone. Because no one agrees with me. Not even dd.
I am afraid.

Afraid to lose again.

*sad, helpless me*

2009-04-08T13:46:00.001+08:00

Haven blogged for quite awhile. Was so busy doing my projects, rushing assignments as well as my quarter-end closing. More or less its gonna be done. Now taking a breather, thought wanna blog a bit. Hehez.

Besides being tied up at studies and work, I was also busy viewing some flats the past few weeks. Didnt really go to a lot of places, just a few to have a feel of the flats in punggol and sengkang. Yes! I will be moving to the North-east (Most probably). There was this particular flat in Punggol that both me and dd like a lot. But it was real expensive! Sigh. Doubt we can afford that (all thanks to my current status). Anyway, I have also arranged 2 couples to view my flat. One was quite interested while the other was giving neutral comments. One selling point for my flat is Modern, Simplified and Quiet. Hehe. Whatsmore, currently J.West has no more new flats, so people who wanna move into this estate definitely must look for resale lo. And to top it off with the new Pioneer MRT station, I am sure the house would be quite sellable, just that the price factor has to be good. :)

Will be having my exams in 2 weeks time, meaning, I will have to slog for it again. Sigh. Luckily I am only taking 2 exams this semester. As usual, my exams likes to fall on month-end. Would only be able to get off from work for the first paper. The 2nd paper, sigh, will have to depend on my evenings, and weekends. But since I am a 2nd-timer on that paper, theoratically, it should be relatively easier. Haha.

Ok, back to work.

Just quarrelled with my dd. Cant help but feel that sometimes, people do take each other for granted. And when its both ways, quarrels happen. Hate to quarrel, but just want to say how I feel, and not bottle it inside.

DD, if you are reading this, just want to let you know that I hate quarrels, even though i say too much and think too much sometimes. Sorry if my words have stung you too hard. I guess, I really love you much. Too afraid to lose again.

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-03-24T14:07:00.001+08:00

My New Year Resolution(s) - YR 2009

Haha, know its a little late as it is already the second quarter of the year. But of coz, its better late than never.

1. Good Health doesn't just come by praying. Haha. I shall be dutifully exercise, constantly have healthy meals and occasionally detox to improve my health.

2. Wealth doesn't come by just dreaming either. Kekeke. Less Shopping, more planning and less impulse buying!

3. To pass get degree-ded by 2009.

4. To spend more time with my family and loved ones

5. Buck up for work !!!

6. Get my house sold ?! (Haha, is this even considered a resolution ?? anyway ..... this can go into my wishlist)

7. Get him out of my life and mind TOTALLY

8. To improve my short-tempered-ness

9. To put in more effort in my current relationship

There, 9 resolutions for Yr 2009

Well, with resolutions, comes wishes too. *hint hint* My wishes on my last wishlist was almost a 100% come true, mostly contribution from my dd. Haha. Good work! :P

My Wishlist

1. All my loved ones to be VERY Healthy and VERY happy

2. Netbook (Lenovo / HP)

3. Damier Neverfull MM

4. Ipod Nano

5. A new Handphone

6. A lot of scrapbooking sprees !!!

Hee, thats about it for this year. Guess the most important one is Wish no.1

Have came to realise that having good health is really very important.

2009-03-24T09:42:00.000+08:00

Back at Work.
Sianz.

Was telling DD yesterday that I enjoy staying at home, surf surf net, play play games, watch watch TV, nap a bit. Haha. Who dun want right ? Anyway, he asked " you wouldnt bored meh ? ", like that means I cannot be tai tai already lo. :(

Anyway, went to see the MP last night to appeal to sell my flat earlier. Hopefully can get a favourable reply from HDB. If not, really very sian. Also gotten to know that I am unable to utilise the concessionary loan from HDB. Argh. Meaning, if I need to get a new flat, have to go throught normal bank loan, where the interest rate is higher lo. Sigh.

Really very headache where to buy. Somemore some place so expensive. How How How ?

Anyway, back to work. A lot of stuff waiting for me, both work and assignment.

BoooHooo.

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-03-18T09:37:00.001+08:00

Status Update: Cheryl is feeling good today! (& yesterday, i conquered the train ride all by myself ! )

Other than some complaints at work, everything was quite routined yesterday. Doing my stats report, (I have completed about 40% of the FS!) handle some pple's 找查. Thats about all for yesterday. Went home early, as wasnt really feeling well. But reached home, and I am fine already. Dd wanted to come over and accompany me after his appointment with the agent, but I told him to go home and rest for the evening lo. Do not bear for him to travel up and down for just that hr plus of meeting me. Was playing with Elthea, realised she like to French Kiss pple wor! Dunno where she learn from, but she is so cute. Haha!

Just now, dd told me he nearly got into a fight with some damn 挖土 hooligans, who seem to be drunk. Luckily nothing happened lo. Not sure what those baddies can be up to. Glad that my dd maintained his cool despite those stupid baddies trying to provoke him.

On a lighter note, its 2 more days! Yay! Off to sunway for a good tan and hopefully a fulfilling shopping trip!

Hope today can have a smooth day at work, and again, depression-free day!

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-03-17T10:12:00.001+08:00

Morning!

Status Update : Today, Cheryl is feeling fine today! (Though for a brief moment yesterday, the "bad" hormones surge to a level which made me felt lousy again)

Nothing much happened, what to expect, it was Monday, with lots of work piling up, and to make it worse, class in the evening. Sigh. I did manage to drag myself to class, and even last the whole 3 hrs! *applaudes myself* I just thought that the least effort I should put in, is to pick up all the tips that the lecturer will give along the way. Next lesson, I am gonna bring my foolscap pad and start strategising for my exam. This time, I MUST make it. If not, most probably LL wouldnt wanna be my fren anymore *LOL*

As for work, currently got lots on hand. Upcoming in April will be the statutory audit, meaning before that, I would have to complete my FS and let my boss check. Sigh. There isnt much progress in getting the FS done, as I am stucked. Not sure if I should get a proper handover from my colleague, therefore do not really dare to bother her, but I really think, I need to buck up on this. Argh. Have set aside my time @ work today & tomorrow to work on the FS. Hopefully I will get it done, if not wholly, at least half.

Cut and highlighted my hair during lunchtime yesterday. Haha. Coz is sort of "preparing" my hair for length, so cut away my "feelers" (as dd said LOR) and I do admit I look sort of kiddish but anyway, let it grow lo. The highlight is rather obvious this time, BUT, they use bleach lo. Sob. Now I have several strands of DRYYYYYYYYY hair. Sigh. Its always like that, cant have the best of both worlds ma.

Shall get back to work.

Want a depression-free day!

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

2009-03-16T10:21:00.001+08:00

Good Morning!

Status Update : Today Cheryl is feeling GOOD!

Probably due to the upcoming getaway, cant help but feel excited about the coming friday. Hehehe. But one thing that I wish I can control is, I do not have to wake up so early. Sob Sob. Have to wake up at 6am, and leave house at 6.30am ?? In order to reach Lavender at 7.15am. OMG. Thats so early, as if I am going to school last time lor, secondary school which is like, 10 yrs ago. Wahahahha. I have aged BY A DECADE! :(

Talking about secondary school, there sure are a lot of cute memories. Puppy love, friendship, ECAs etc. (sidenote: yes, i belong to the ECA era, and not the CCA era) Recently have been meeting up with some secondary school frens. Sometimes, its really not up to you to decide your own fate. Imagine you tried so hard to make friend / talk to a particular person whom you think you really have a crush on, but no luck and you leave school feeling that its really not meant to be. But 10 years later, you actually find someone through these friends networking webby (i.e. Facebook) and then start talking like good old friends. Haha. Its really strange, but it happens, at least to me. The difference is, everyone has grown up, and the crush is no longer there. Which is what i mean by - some things are just not meant to be.

Visited little Del over the weekend. She is just so adorable. I held her for a little while, as dd needs to go for class. It certainly felt heartwarming. Like dd said, you just cant help but smile at the little angel even though she is just curled up, sleeping soundly. Hehe. I guess, that is the "power" of a baby ba. She certainly lightens me up. :) And on the way to the MRT, i got "hinted" by dd again, to have our own little baby. And then we started "formulated" many names for our future baby. Shan't reveal what the names are, hehe.

Dd's mum strike 4D and won a little $$. So Sunday's treat was on her. Went to this Seletar garden to eat Tze Char. Not that bad. The crab was quite nice, and the vegetable, too bad I was quite full le, if not, would have ate more of the veg. Hehe.

Had a depression-free weekend. Hope my many many upcoming weeks will be depression-free. :)

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***

Really starting to Hate - And its here to STAY!

2009-03-15T11:30:00.000+08:00

Cant help but need to blog about what I saw today. Not sure how he ended up adding me ? I thought I have to approve first ? Anyway, I saw his pictures taken in Taiwan, with his new Taiwanese girlfriend. Well, usually I am not someone who is mean in commenting on a girl's looks or what. But, today I am gonna be mean. You might think that I am being jealous or what, but frankly, I am not ! I am actually gloating inside me. Coz firstly, why do I need to feel jealous when its me who dumped him! Means that he is someone whom I do NOT want anymore. Ok, shall stop all these childish words. Anyway, I thought that he got himself smitten with someone sooooooooo pretty that their so-call LOVE blossom in a matter of 8 days ?? But, gosh, when I saw the pictures in his facebook, I cant help but laugh, was he even looking ?! Anyway, its not that the girl has 2 noses & 1 eye, but, she certainly doesnt look like she is in her 20s ? And whatsmore, she has curly short hair ! ( I thought a year ago, he dreaded that hairstyle ? hmmmm, another fact to attribute to his FAKO personality) Anyway, enough about him, and after much discussion @ the gym with Jane, I have decided to give him a nickname - Pineapple - coz its the fruit I hate the most! Dread even mentioning his name. Disgusting!

Anyway, I just wish to get the house sold, and he mentioned that he will seek the help of the MP. Good, at least, he needs to do something and not wait for the 50% of the share when I am the one, slogging and doing everything. Everything that my loved ones said about him, I am really beginning to see it lo. Looks like I should have taken a step back earlier, be more rational when it comes to him, and it would save me from slipping into depression ! Anyway, 3 days le, I am feeling ok. I hope I will not fall into the pit again, like on wed and thurs. It was real terrible.

Dedicated to DD:
DD, thank you for being by my side always. Though I could have prevented myself all these misery if I had heeded your advice earlier, but given my character, you know I wouldnt stop until I feel the pain. Thanks for being so patient with me. I am really very happy when I have you by my side. :)
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

Rants - 12 Mar 09

2009-03-14T17:01:00.001+08:00

It seems like i am having the attacks again. Argh! Not sure what caused it, but i have been very well for the past 2 weeks, until last saturday. wondering could it be the drink that i had at halo bar on friday nite.. if it is so, then i definitely gonna get a scolding from dd, who tell me no no to alcohol, and only after a little persuation, he agreed to one. But i didnt finish the drink ma, not sure why. anyway the feeling suxs.

I am gg holiday-ing @ sunway next friday, woohoo, it will be a 3D2N trip, the longest getaway since the taiwan trip. hopefully this trip will be a "healing trip" for me, as i think i really need to heal, in order to be able to concentrate properly on my work and studies, and also v importantly, my current relationship. Just need to put in more effort lo.

I hope that through blogging again, i can release all my grunts and rants here, and be able to heal sooner and better. Dun want my love ones to constantly feel worried about me. Though they appear non-chalant bout me being depressed, but i am quite sure that they just do not quite know how to handle me with such a condition. Do not blame them, actually all i need is their companion.

Also, i feel that my condition will be better if i have dd beside me before i feel quirky. Coz if he is ard me, he will not let me slip into the dark pit. but when i am alone, i just free fall into it. useless bum me. 3 days ago i went to see DS, he looked at me with a kind of sympathise look, but i dun blame him, anyone would sympathise with one who just went through a divorce, and that was all i need to set my tears flowing. anyway, he gave me a very simple analogy of depression

He said that human body are made up of Happy and Sad Hormones. When i feel sad, the sad hormones will take over the body, and when i get sadder and do not snap out of it, the sad hormones will mutilply like nobody's business. After a prolonged period of this reaction in the human body, it will start to trigger panic and anxiety, and thats when the body starts sending wierd signals, causing all the unnecessary distress and eventually panic attacks and depression. hmmmm, sounds like its quite easy to find a cure, which is - happiness! But i feel happy now ma, with dd and many pple who love me. How come i still feel so shitty ? Maybe it a post-traumatic kind of depression, coz the earlier period, i was too traumatised by all the events ? Now, its like after everything sink in, then i start to feel the aftermath? I certainly hope these "after-action symptons" will go away faster.

--

*** love nv fail to hurt pple ***